saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
