Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
