Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
its liver damage thursday
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
