I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize