Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
