I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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