that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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