this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
