So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
