happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
