So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
