The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
And then he peed in my hair
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