hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
zippers are such a cool invention
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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