She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
