I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
