Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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