I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
