If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
