guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
