They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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