the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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