if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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