my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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