The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
