my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
