I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
