im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
