Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
