So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
