So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
