i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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