now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
