if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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