textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
