Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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