The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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