did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
