So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize