Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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