Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
