What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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