then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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