a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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