I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cockslap morals
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize