Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
