omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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