He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bring me that man meat
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
