is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
