May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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