So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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