I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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