im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
