I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
